I don’t got this.

You know that phrase “I got this”?  I’ve used it a time or thousand.  Kind of a confidence booster to accomplish something and say “hey I got this…no problem!”  Or to come up on a problem and know I can handle it so “yeah I got this.”  I say it a lot.  I say “you got this” to my kiddos when they catch on to their math lessons or master a craft or work on their chores or any other time that seems appropriate.  I probably say it to myself a dozen times or so a day.  Like I said, I say it a lot.

So there was a time back in the spring when I knew something BIG and GREAT was going to happen.  I didn’t know what it was or how it would look….I had an idea of what I hoped it would be.  I had actually almost convinced myself that I knew what it was and even I was excited about it.  But in reality all I knew was that it involved our church and me….and God was totally leading me down this path.  I knew it so much that I cleared my schedule for it.  I cut back on the activities that I participated in because I knew I wouldn’t have the time.  I started delegating responsibilities to others instead of trying to do it all myself, and made myself a promise that I would NOT allow my outside-of-the-church commitments again grow to such a size that I couldn’t manage it all AND put in the time and energy needed for this thing that was about to happen.

I remember the day I sat down at my desk and thought “ok, I think I’m ready.”  I opened my email account and there sat the email.  As soon as I read it, I knew.  This is what I’ve been waiting for.  This is what God has been leading me to do.  The email was actually a *hey church, meet our new nursery and preschool directors!* kind of email.  There was only one sentence that stood out to me.  There would be, sometime in the future, a new children’s director for K-4.  I immediately sent an email back, asking about that position. 

And just like I knew it would, because I knew it wasn’t me driving this bus, everything fell into place.  I know it wasn’t me driving the bus because I had planned to go in a different direction.  I wanted SO BAD to go in a different direction.  I had convinced myself that this BIG THING was something totally different.  I was so ready to just get busy with it but when I realized it wasn’t the thing I had in mind and when I realized what the real thing was, it made perfect sense.

I LOVE children.  I adore children.  I have known pretty much all of my life that my life’s work is children.  As soon as I was old enough, I started babysitting.  I dreamed of having a ton of kids and working as a peds doctor.  Then my dreams moved to being a teacher and I wanted that so bad but I was pushed into a different direction.  Then as an adult I did the thing I loved….taught preschool.  Then I worked with children who lived in abusive situations.  Then I subbed at my child’s school while working on my teaching degree.  Then I felt the pull to homeschool…and fell in love.  I thought finally I had arrived!  I have found my purpose in life.  My own children.  All this time right under my own roof.  And then I started feeling this sense of *that’s not it*.  Don’t get me wrong…we were called to homeschool our children.  We know that with every fiber of our being. 

However, I knew there was something more.  My purpose wasn’t *just* my children.  God doesn’t give a person such a HUGE heart for kids and then only provide four.  As our pastor is talking (as he often does) about people sitting on miracles just letting this HUGE blessing pass them by because they are too afraid or don’t think God could possibly use them for a miracle or think maybe it’s meant for someone more *qualified*, I’m wondering if I’m sitting on a miracle and don’t know it.  My husband and I actually talked about it for a long time and I thought I had it figured out, but I was going in the wrong direction.

So here I am.  K-4 children’s director.  I got this, right?  This is my thing.  I know it’s sent by God.  I know this is where I’m suppose to be, what I’ve been called to do. 

I got this.

Well as things progressed over the summer, I started doubting myelf…and God.  Seriously.  He put me here and I’m not feeling it.  It just seemed like everything I tried to do, didn’t.  Everything I tried to change, wouldn’t.  There was so much stress and restlessness inside of me. 

I even hinted to my  husband that I didn’t even want to go to this church anymore. Nothing I did added up right.  Nothing came together the way I wanted it to.  I wanted to just pull away from our commitments and friends and go back to that easy place where I didn’t have this responsibility. 

I knew we couldn’t quit this church and for sure wouldn’t but something had to change.  I wanted this thing SO bad but it just would NOT work. 

Seriously all of July was pretty bad in my head concerning myself and this ministry.  *I’m not cut out for it.  I can’t do it.  I don’t have the time.  I don’t have the ability.  I was wrong.  I should not have shot so big.  I should have settled for a smaller role….or stuck to no role.  This isn’t me.*  Doubt consumed me.  Pride kept me from talking about it. 

I don’t got this….at all…in the least.

And that was really hard to admit to myself because I’m a bit of a control freak.  I had it so well planned in  my head but nothing was going in that direction.  It wasn’t working.  It was only causing stress and guilt and grief.

You know, it wasn’t even anything big that was causing all the stress and guilt and grief.  Just a bunch of tiny things that kept building and building until I just thought I had it all wrong.  I did have it all wrong…just not in the sense that I believed at the time.

So then.  I totally right now just giggled thinking about it. 

So then came last Sunday.  The first day our kinders moved upstairs with the rest of the crew.  These little guys had been waiting for this day all summer long.  This was their FIRST BIG day upstairs in the K-4 ministry. 

Because let me tell you, it is COOL to be upstairs.  We have a LOT going on that those kids LOVE.  Our church puts in the extra effort to not only make these kids want to come back but to teach them and equip them to love and share Jesus. This ministry is awesome and is most definitely changing lives.  I was the only dud, right? 

So not only were the kinders coming up, extra responsibilities were heaped on me and we were short-handed. 

Not only that but our church was flooded with new people this past Sunday.  Between the kinders and new families, we had a lot of new faces upstairs. 

Not only that but we had problem after problem.  Nothing big.  Just little *oh no’s* with quick fixes…but it seemed like there were a lot of them and I was the fixer.

I kind of just went “I don’t got this.  God, you gotta get this.”

And guess what.  He did. 

I was a sweaty, worn-out mess by the end of service.  But I was smiling…on the outside AND inside.  It worked!  It happened!  It didn’t go as I planned but it did go as *planned*.

And then. 🙂

We got home and I jumped into the curriculum editing that I had been putting off all month….because I didn’t have time, I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t want to do it…blah, blah, blah. 

I jumped into it and said “you know what, I totally don’t got this either.  God, you gotta get it!”

In just a couple hours, it was done.  I didn’t have the problems I had before.  It came together the way it needed to.  It was DONE.

And then. 🙂

I went to church on Monday to prepare for next Sunday.  It was just a matter of putting things in the right boxes and getting those boxes in the rooms.  BUT there was also this looming issue that I had been putting off.  I needed to prepare the slides for our large group…on a Mac which I had never used before…with a program I knew nothing about.  I had played with it a couple times, but it never worked out that I actually have a chance to learn how to do it.  It was a big stressful lump in my throat that I had just been swallowing down again and again.

I realized this past Sunday that it wasn’t going to prepare itself and this definitely fell under my responsibilities.

So I said again “I don’t got this but I know who does.” 

I can happily say that the Mac and it’s indimidating program has been conquered.  The kids will have fabulous slides to go along with the bible story.  I even played around a little and made a memory verse slide from scratch. 

I floated out of the church on a cloud.  My whole day was bright and shiny because of that accomplishment.  And I’ve thought about it all week long.

Yeah, I finally saw this weekend that I can’t do this ministry on my own and that’s the point.  It isn’t about me.  Yes, I was called.  Yes, this is my thing. 

BUT what I failed to keep in mind is that I’m not the one who is actually doing this thing.  God is doing this thing THROUGH me.  He is doing His work THROUGH me.  He is reaching these children THROUGH me.

This morning I realized something else.  If I say “I got this” and do it on my own, it isn’t God’s work.  It’s mine.  And my work is imperfect and selfish and not at all what I was called to do.  I was not called to do this amazing thing and reach all these children.  I was called so God could do this amazing thing and reach all these children. 

It doesn’t mean I get to sit back and relax.  And it doesn’t mean things won’t go wrong again.  I am imperfect.  I will make mistakes.  There will be times in this ministry when I fail.  That is a guarantee.

But lessson learned!!  When I hear the voice that says “I got this”, I know this for sure this time around…..it isn’t me talking. 

Because I don’t got this and thank God.

2 thoughts on “I don’t got this.

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